The Big Five Oh Trip - Part 1

Briancon, FR – It’s Day 6 of our motorcycle tour, a rest day, and man do I need it. This is without a doubt one of the most intense trips I’ve ever been on. So much has happened in the last nine days that my mind hasn’t even begun to process it. Just the first three days in Germany before the motorcycle tour knocked more things off my bucket list than many other whole trips have. And I’m going to struggle to relate what happened in the next six after that. But I will try my best and hopefully won’t lose you all (or myself) in the process. First let’s wind back a bit and explain how all this madness came to be…

A certain Peter Schaefer, who has put up with me for reasons unknown since the age of 12, suggested sometime in our early forties that for our collective 50^th  (we were born exactly a month apart) we should do a European motorcycle tour. The original idea was to ship our own bikes over and do it all ourselves. But around four or five years ago Pete discovered Edelweiss, a highly specialized worldwide motorcycle touring company, and was instantly convinced this would be the better way to go. Being that I generally despise any form of organized tour I was initially not the least bit receptive, but when he rattled off the list of advantages like that we use their bikes - so no worries about shipping back and forth, insurance, breakdowns - and that they also shuttled your baggage around from hotel to hotel, planned all the breakfasts and dinners, I started to come around. The clincher though was this: you DON’T have to follow the guides. That’s right, if you so desire you can just take off in the morning and ride wherever and however you like, just as long as you’re back at the designated arrival hotel that night.

SOLD!

We then spent the next few years deciding which tour and when, but it was pretty clear from the outset that it would have to be their "Grand Alps". At 13 days through almost every major pass in Austria, Lichtenstein, Switzerland, France and Italy, it was the longest one they offered in the region and happened only once a year. As it turned out the schedule for 2014 put it at the end of June into the beginning of July, exactly between our two 50th birthdays. How perfect was that?

As soon as the booking opened we were in.

Not long after our friend Dave decided he’d like to join. Being that he would be turning Five Oh himself just before us he did technically qualify (not that we would have banned him had he not) but what was a little more worrisome was the fact that Dave has spent his entire riding career piloting a Harley Night Train. Now as HD riders go he definitely has that bike mastered and keeps a pace that generally leaves his fellow Milwaukeeans long back in the dust. However this gig was going to be a whole other matter. Edelweiss’ guide lists this tour as a “7 to 9” out of 10 in riding difficulty. And the only types of bikes offered that would fit his well over 6 foot frame were full-size adventure rigs like the BMW GS and Triumph Adventure. Perfectly suitable in experienced hands for the unbelievable hilly and sinuous terrain, but a world away in riding technique from his factory custom lead sled.

Despite this he was convinced he’d be up to the challenge, and the nice thing about a group tour is that there are bound to be riders of widely varying abilities and styles, so no matter what we would all be able to find the right pace. And Dave essentially being a Monty Python character who somehow escaped off the screen would lend some much needed levity to our group, what with Herr Schaefer being the serious-minded, super organized traveller and me focused 23 hours a day on just filming everything and going Mach 2. So then there were three.

About a year out we booked our flights and decided that we should take advantage of the opportunity to get in some other local experiences while here so Pete and I gave ourselves two extra days up front to run around Germany and Dave went five days ahead with an insanely ambitious schedule to see most of the lower Scandinavian regions. All that was left now was to assemble all the required gear and pack.

The Geekware

In my case I knew from the outset that I wanted to record as much of this trip as possible in all forms, as so many people expressed a lot of interest in knowing what it was like and I knew my writing skills alone (or lack thereof) would never do it justice. I also wanted to be able to piece together a little film that would tell the story in some coherent way and serve as a memento in years to come. After a lot of research I decided on the Drift Ghost S action camera as the weapon of choice as it got great reviews and offered a 1080p/60 fps recording ability that rivalled the ubiquitous GoPro but with a slim bullet shape instead of the “brick”. They also came with a nice remote control that could synch with up to five cams. I picked up two of them along with a pile of different mounts, batteries, mics and whatever else I could imagine would be required. One would mount to the side of my helmet and one low on the bikes’ frame, and I could also flip one of them to be rearward facing off the luggage rack, hopefully giving me enough angles to make it interesting as what kills most homemade videos is the lack of variety in the vantage points. Not having a Top Gear budget this would have to do. I also brought my trusty little waterproof Lumix compact camera for static pics and filming.

The only problem in all this was my vast underestimation in what it would take to get this all stuff up and running the way I imagined it. More on that later…

D Minus 3

I am staring at the biggest collection of electronic gear I’ve ever brought on a trip. It is spread all over my basement floor. There are video cams. Still cams. Cell phone adapters. Suction cup mounts. Tripods. Sticky mounts. Mini USB wires. Micro USB wires. Travel chargers. Batteries. Back up drives. Memory cards. Tools. Tape. Tie wraps. And oh yeah, should really add some clothes. And maybe a helmet, boots and jacket. Yes, you are reading that right, at three days to go I hadn’t had single thing packed, and this for the biggest trip of my life. Herr Schaefer on the other hand had been packed for six months (and that is NOT an Ianism for dramatic purposes). But the months leading up to this trip for me were pretty nuts and it just never seemed to get to the top of the list. To make matters worse I now have to leave for two days of work in Los Angeles and arrive back with only 24 hrs to pack, go to work and then immediately head to the airport.  Somehow I actually pull it off and amazingly don’t forget anything (well, more on that latter too). Off to the airport to catch our overnight flight.

Ze Fazerland

We land in Munich a little ahead of schedule at 9:30 am local, which is great as the next two days’ schedule is packed. We bolt through customs (AMAZINGLY efficient, as one would expect here), grab our luggage and run for the Sixt rental car counter. Since childhood it’s been my dream to run loose on Germany’s famous Autobahn where long sections are free of speed limits, and I absolutely cannot wait to have at it. I really would have loved to do it in an Audi – my brand of choice for the last twenty years – but they weren’t offered in any of the listings I could find online so I settled on a 3 series BMW, still an excellent tool for the job. Despite my “express status” we still have to wait a bit but thankfully we aren’t at the other major rental counter… they’ve been completely shut down due to a piece of unidentified luggage being left at the counter and that whole area has now been police-taped off!

Our turn comes and I am informed that my car of choice isn’t available… but we get a 5 series instead! No complaints. However as we run through the garage to retrieve it I start realizing that in Europe you can get a 5 with some truly tiny and anaemic engines… uh oh. Pete on the other hand is ecstatic because most of the 5’s they rent are wagons, and what could be cooler than cruising the ‘bahn in a eurowagon (if I have to explain why then there’s little point. But trust me, it’s cool). We get to the correct row and before I can even spot it all I can hear from Pete, two octaves too high, is “IT’SAWAGONIT’SAWAGONIT’SAWAGON!!!!!!!”

Yes, a resplendent black one too with panoramic roof, gorgeous brown leather interior, sat nav, the works.

But what’s it got for a motor? Hmm no badges on the tailgate to tell us. I start it. Brrr-rrrr-rrr glig glig glig glig glig.

It’s the 2.5L diesel-electric hybrid.

Oh no.

Goodbye dreams of Autobahn glory.

We get in and head out for our first stop, the Audi factory and museum in Ingolstadt, and as expected the little diesel struggles to get the lavishly appointed mega wagon up to speed from a stop. However what’s funny is that it doesn’t seem to slow as the needle climbs. Acceleration is what I would describe as train-like, you don’t feel anything as you leave the station but look down and suddenly the needle is sweeping past 200 km/h and climbing. I can’t imagine how this is possible from such a tiny power plant. We don’t really get to test it any further as there is traffic and construction everywhere, making our 45 minute journey more like an hour and a half. Also dashing any hopes of making it in time for the daily factory tour at 11:30.

As much as I would have enjoyed that I am still happy just to be at the birthplace of my last 5 cars and peruse the museum, which has an exquisite collection of the brand’s models from the last hundred years. Audi has a bit of a weird history, as they are really the sum of four brands that amalgamated over time, Audi, Horch, DKW and Wanderer, so it’s cool to see firsthand examples of the various types close up.

Of course my favourites are the powerhouses of the eighties that really put the brand on the map such as the TransAm and IMSA race sedans that were eventually banned from both series as they couldn’t be beaten; and of course the legendary rally Quattros which turned the entire sport upside down and forced everyone else to adopt AWD to even keep up. This arms race in turn spawned the ferocious Group B cars like the 650 hp Quattro S1 that were eventually deemed too fast to be safe and regulated out of existence.

I so want to sit in the middle of the floor and commune with them for the rest of the day, but we have much ground to cover so after a quick bite at the excellent outdoor restaurant we hit the ‘bahn again.

 

Pete has dubbed our big black train the “Maus”, after the famous  180 ton German WWII tank that was too big to be of any practical use. Interestingly that also had diesel-electric drive, but even its mighty 1200hp engine could only propel it to no more than 20 km/h. Our Maus however seems to defy all known laws of physics, as I hammer down and we watch in amazement as it climbs… 210, 220, 225, 230, 235… 240!!

We’re now travelling faster than I’ve ever gone in a street car. Powered by a 2.5L diesel. Smaller cars scurry out of way like Shermans surely would have when faced with the real Maus. I hold it down as long as I dare but eventually I see Pete getting a bit squirmy so I back off to a sedate 180 – 200. This pace seems to work as he now nods off to sleep and after a few hours finds it completely normal. That is when we’re not stuck in construction related traffic. In this regard Germany is no better than Quebec, there are closed lanes EVERYWHERE. Perfectly signed and organized as you would expect, but it really puts a damper on our pace.

Despite frequent full stops we still cover the 500+ kms in under 5 hours. It’s glorious. The drivers are for the most part amazing, staying in the appropriate lanes and most cruising along at somewhere around 160 to 180 km/h in a perfectly organized ballet. When all is clear and you’re surrounded by locals, the Autobahn is the true promise of what highway driving can ultimately be. Next stop, the Nurburgring.